I'm going through it... I'm really going through it. I mean, who's bright ass idea was this anyway? Oh yeah, mine. I quit smoking the other day and damned if I am not ready to rip someone's head off. You know when you see those commercials for some miracle drug and then the guy whispers side effects are runny nose, watery eyes, anal clenching, nipple inversion, clitoral numbness? And you say to yourself, damn, I just wanted to stop sneezing! Well quitting is sort of the same way. The bad part is it was my bright idea to start smoking in the first damn place (me and my bright ideas).
Anyway, here I am with a patch plastered to my backside, going through withdrawal like a junkie. Someone's smoking outside the window and I can't tell if I want to breathe it all in like the sweet aroma of money or run outside and kick him in the ass. What they don't tell you about quitting in those fancy schmancy commercials is the shit you go through besides nicotine withdrawal.
I have got the craving pretty much under control, the patch helps and so does eating everything in sight. This broad at my job said I was going to get fat. Yeah, me fat. I'm past my late twenties, I already have a kid and I'm still 100lbs (SHUT UP YOU, YES I AM!). If I bust 115lbs I know dudes that would throw a gala fete for me. Fat? I wear a non-size. My waist is 24 inches. Fat? What, I'd get up to a WHOLE SIZE 4? She'd still be 10 sizes bigger than me. "Shut up and eat your goddamned donut!" I snarled and she backed away from my desk quickly, never turning her back. Wise move.
Ok, ok, I digress... I suppose they do tell you all the shit that smoking breaks and quitting fixes, but I guess I was so busy looking for the $5 Newport guy (for those that don't know, cigarettes cost a grip in New York, 4 packs in a week can be a downpayment on a house) that I didn't listen. I didn't know that smoking can kill nerves, so I'm sitting here with my fingers all tingly and shit wondering if I was stroking a fuse box in my sleep.
My chest is all tight, and get this, it's from oxygen! Ain't that about a bitch? My chest was tight from smoke but now clean air ( I use the term very losely) is making me feel like Samson is squeezing my rib cage. Turns out unbeknowst to me, I'm taking deeper breaths than I had while smoking and the ol' windbags are filling up, expanding beyond their normal capacity and it sure is uncomfortable. Sheesh. Two weeks of this shit.
Not only that but I've got a mixed blessing. I can smell stuff. New York Fucking Stinks. I knew that before but I'm dying from it now. Saw this brother on the train, tall chocolate brother with some pretty lips. He eyeballed me for a few but I ignored him because I was busy fighting the urge not to scratch my patch. The person next to me gets up and he slides in to the empty spot. I take in his looks hiding behind my sunglasses (Hey Amadeo, you were right they are cool) and he says "Hi beautiful, I have to get off at the next stop but I was wondering if I gave you my phone number, would you call me."
"No. You smell like you're hiding a septic tank under your tongue."
Not saying I wouldn't have noticed it while I was a smoker, but now the smell is like a physical assault, not a mere Dentyne Ice treatment.
The worst part of this whole damned mess is the gooey refuse my chest is spewing forth. If I never mentioned it before, I hate spitting, and people that indiscriminately spit, with the fire of a super nova. Too bad for me. Seems that your chest tries to protect itself by coating its lining with mucus (aaaaaaaw even the word is gross and I love words) so when you stop smoking your body says "hey, we don't need this much goo anymore, send it up through the throat...." Ugh! I've gone through packs of tissues and brushed my teeth 'til I eroded away a few taste buds.
The upside? I don't smoke anymore. And my marinated-over-night, medium-rare grilled, Angus rib-eye steak tastes FUCKING FANTASTIC. That alone makes this quitting thing worth it.
5 comments:
I for one think it's wonderful that you've quit smoking. Having watched my father die of emphysema was a horrible wake up call to me about just how nasty and bad for you smoking is. The American Indians introduced us to smoking, call it their final revenge for stealing all their land! Keep up your resolve and you'll live longer, to write more AWESOME blog entries!
I'm supposed to quit...I did stop ordering Cloves...damn Baltimore laws!!! I miss my cloves!
Well you know what...congrats on quitting!!! Thats a good step
Between you and **RPM** I get the ultimate abb work out!
I would have LOVED to see the look on that guy's face. Woman you bold. Hell, I probably would have started pretending I was deaf and use the little bit of Sign Language I know. LMAO
If you're worried about the oral fixation you've developed, start chewing on ice. Regular ice, frozen Kool-Aid, whatever and you can satisfy that hand to mouth action your body is used to doing. Oh, and for the mucus thing, do you have a humidifier? That'll help loosen it up quicker. You can also have someone rub on your back using some presure for about 5 minutes. That way when you do spit, it's with more content and not as often.
I'm a catalyst of strange info. and I experienced the displeasure of a serious case of pneumonia at 15. That is incase you were interested to know.
I'm not bold, simply honest and irritable, a terrifying combination. My mother is gonna be mad when I abscond with her humidifier but thanks for the tip (you do of course know I'm gonna tell her it was all your idea, right?).
I've been getting a lot of tips on how to deal with my oral fixation. Yours is the only one that doesn't involve copious amounts of saliva. For this I thank you.
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