Petty Grievances: Volume I

The Society of Shut The Fuck Up

I talk a lot (everyone that just pulled the "no shit" face, can kiss my ass). Most of the time you can find me blathering on semi-intellectually about some insipid topic of almost no relevance and just about as much interest. I'm not sure why I do it. I think it may be the egomaniacal desire to wallow in the sound of my own voice or the need to repeatedly express my opinions and ideas until my listener is won over to my point of view if for no other reason than to cease my constant yammering.

Lately, however, I have found the need to say less and less. Sometimes provoking the query "what's wrong?" or "is everything ok?" throughout the course of the night. It's not that anything is wrong and I do understand that I look like I can "chew a n**ga face right off" (thanks a lot muMs) when I'm not talking or smiling, it's just that more and more I find myself wishing that people would just shut the fuck up.

There's a quote relating to this that I didn't understand until now:

"One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say." - Will Durant

Which would have helped the idiot that said to me:
"I'd really like to take you out and maybe we can watch a movie afterwards... my mom won't be home."
or the fool that averred:
"I don't scratch like this all the time, only when I don't wash up."
or the moron that spouted:
"I'm sayin', I be lovin them fancy joints like Olive Garden"

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
please?

Follow me down this road. I practice a certain level of phone etiquette. If a person tells me they gotta go, no matter why they have to go, I let them. Almost, if not immediately. I absolutely hate when I tell someone "Well, listen I'm gonna go get something to eat/use the bathroom/play with myself/scratch my ass/bang my head on a wall," and they say ok, but 15 minutes later finds me staring at the phone with the serious 'what the fuck!!!' look on my face. Dude, you are going to talk to me again and while what you are saying may be important to you, I have a drain to go clean. I gotta go, dammit. It's especially heinous if I actually have some shit to do or I gotta get back to work. Then they get all offended when I repeat firmly that I really gotta go and proceed to rush them off the hot ass phone that's burning my ear. Motherfucker I wanted to hang up a-half-a-fuckin-hour ago Or what about the motherfuckers that call you at some ungodly hour and when they hear the voice of a half-dead person on the line, they ask "were you sleeping" to which you respond "yes" and they launch into some frivolous conversation anyway. Now I know you may say that if one was truly sleeping, one would not pick up the phone. Not so. Some of us are light sleepers, programmed to respond to all sound, but can slip right back into the sandman's arms if we are not forced to pay attention to some twittering dimbulb on the phone who does not have the common courtesy to say "ok then, call me when you get up."

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Please?

Then there are the awkward conversationalists. You know the kind, the ones that don't have shit to say but are so uncomfortable with blessed silence that they say the first thing that comes to mind, which is usually dumber than a barrel of ass hair. Or the sad, sorry, feeble attempts at conversation when you've made it painfully clear that you don't feel like talking by the monosyllabic responses and disapproving visage. But they insist, so they'll comment on the weather or your hair or the scabs on their knees until you feel like smacking their eyeballs out of their heads. Or how about the ones whose breath is hotter than rhino balls on the savannah, that insist on yapping all up in your face, singeing your nose hair and making you wonder why God made scuicide or murder a sin because you'd like nothing more than to take your life or theirs but SOMEBODY'S GOTTA GO....


SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Please?


It's gotten so bad that I am now having a hard time tolerating the dumb ass conversations of total strangers overheard on buses/trains/streets etc... I received a slingshot as a gag gift from 730 (because he doesn't live in NY ergo he's safe... for now) and it's a concentrated effort to leave it at home because I want to shoot tepid globs of castor oil into the gaping maws of the Yappadocious. It's maddening. More than 3 women talking in one room = Cluckapalooza. More than 3 men = Testostofest. I can't take it at times and find my lip curling in disgust of it's own accord.

Everyone...SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Please?

In order to not be a raging hypocritical bitch, I am joining The Society of Shut The Fuck up whose commandments are as follows:

• thou shalt think before opening thine trap
  
• thou shalt closeth thine big mouth when thou noticeth the other person's ears bleeding
• thy lover doth not have to hear the sound of thine voice all fucking day
• thou shalt not trap anyone into an unwanted conversation
• thou shalt insure the freshness of thine breath as much as thou canst afore gettin up in someones face
• thou shalt listen to Depeche Mode's "Enjoy The Silence" if thou feelest thineself slipping
• thou shalt remember that silence is golden.

I hope more people join me...

- n I'm out, biding my time *blush*