I’m quite sure there will be a comment or two since this is some personal shit I just want to throw out there. So I will toss my usual caveat – I don’t give a shit what anyone says, these are my opinions and damned if I am not entitled to them.
Me.
Last night, after thinking about past experiences brought to light, I sat down and thought about myself. Me. I realized that in a few short months, through some very trying times (that are by far not nearly over) I’m growing into my skin and it’s starting to fit quite nicely.
I’ve had more issues than you can shake a stick at. As a matter of fact I still do. But I have learned that I am the sum. I am the whole. And it’s perfectly ok to be me. I’ve come to accept that I will never be perfect. I’ve learned that humans live their lives in search of perfection. Believe or not in whatever deity you choose but the truth is imperfection is intrinsic to our nature, it is the very law by which we live. It was said by a strange man but great lyricist that “The search for perfection is all very well, but to look for heaven is to live here in hell.” He wasn’t lying. So I’ll make my way.
I’ve come to accept that I will have bad days, I will backslide, and I will hate the way my ears stick out but love the things I can hear. I’m ok with those days knowing that I will not just allow the dissatisfaction to consume me. I will move in each moment striving for a perfection I will never attain but I will keep trying.
I had issues with family. Now I understand that family are just strangers that share blood. You get to know them through growth and experience. If you are good to each other, then love can be shared. If you are rotten, then they are no different from anyone else. I love my immediate family not just because they are genetically linked to me, although I admit watching myself echo my mother’s habits and my daughter mimic mine is amazing, but because we share a bond forged through life. Plenty of misunderstandings to be sure yet still filled with love. On a personal level, my father is no better than a stranger. I feel nothing regardless of the chromosome he gave me. That’s how I know that bloodlines do not necessitate love. Once upon a time I hated him for all the reasons a girl would hate an absentee parent. Now I feel nothing. It takes too much energy to hate. I now do my damnedest to channel that energy to clear up the clouds and use that force to love immediate relations, my sibling and most importantly my child. I’m making my way.
I had issues with friends. Now I know that friends are people and can be held to no higher standard than anyone else. Trust and loyalty are constructs of the mind. You can only judge your friends by who you know them to be and you should treat them accordingly. I am one hell of a mercurial person. As such, anyone that chooses to be my friend must know and accept that, but even more importantly expect no better from me than what I offer. Don’t hold someone to lofty expectations then be disappointed when they don’t live up to standards you placed on them. Let them be who they are and if you cannot abide by their being, don’t complain, simply let go. It’s as easy as that. My boy has become my boy in record time simply because he never promised, pretended or purported to be anyone other than who he is. I ranted and raved until I realized that he’s gonna be him, like it or leave it. When I truly realized that I dug him for him, I ranted and raved some more with absolutely no force behind it because I take him as he is. I’m making my way.
I had issues with lovers. Now I know that they are friends that you give a different part of yourself to. Because of this I accept that you can’t make anyone feel anything. So often we expect our feelings to be mirrored simply because we are self-motivated by nature. No one has to love you, love being an idea that changes with the wind. If I choose to love I do so now expecting nothing in return because quite honestly what I do, I do of my own volition and in reverse I can just as easily choose not to do anything. How can I obey my own tenets then turn and say “since I fuck him and make him a meal he must love me”? That’s utter rot and nonsense. I have sex because I choose to and anyone that has sex believing they do so to secure some false sense of relationship gives their body as a fool. What you do for someone in the name of love, however you choose to love, should be for your satisfaction in the doing. You want your calls returned, valid request, but if they aren’t then maybe, just maybe, you should want someone else. Don’t wallow in the idea of changing the person to suit your needs. That is a false sense of entitlement. You are owed nothing. Or maybe in the grand scheme of things you should wonder why a call is so important. This could go on for days but the bottom line for me is to love who I choose, as I choose and let go if I am not satisfied. And I love, deeply. I am making my way.
Don’t get me wrong, oh I throw tantrums to beat the devil. I have a horrendous attitude and an equally despicable love for profanity. I bitch and moan, laugh and cry. I have by no means become totally Zen. I’m abrasive and insulting and by more than a few accounts, the sweetest fucking person you’ll ever meet. I’m loyal to those that merit my steadfastness and have a queue of those who think I ain’t shit. When someone has something awful to say I tell them take a number, get on line. When someone has something good to say, I laugh and ask them if they are sure it’s me they are referring to. I am no saint nor am I a despot and it’s the same story that has been told on this earth innumerable times. By no means am I perfect but I’m satisfied. It’s all good as they say since I’m making my way.
Satisfaction has come from growing into my skin. Realizing that I am the sum. I am the whole. Those that can appreciate me are in for a hell of a ride and those that can’t are welcome to search elsewhere. I sleep alone and sure, it would be nice to hear a breath beside me, to roll over and touch someone who travels the same path. Life is a series of unending experiences and it would be nice to share these experiences with others since most of us weren’t born to be alone. Still, I’ve come to accept that without family, friends or lovers these experiences must still be had and can only be stopped by death. I’m making my way.
I’d like to thank my family for being as dysfunctional and wonderful as they are. My few peoples who no matter how fucked up I am and have been, still dig me for me. In particular my girl who has always said “Show me the angel and I’ll show you the liar with a good agent” and the man who has become my ace by never pretending that he was shit. I’d also like to thank all the love lost, found, and yet to be discovered for helping me make my way.
Now back to our usual bullshit.
Me.
Last night, after thinking about past experiences brought to light, I sat down and thought about myself. Me. I realized that in a few short months, through some very trying times (that are by far not nearly over) I’m growing into my skin and it’s starting to fit quite nicely.
I’ve had more issues than you can shake a stick at. As a matter of fact I still do. But I have learned that I am the sum. I am the whole. And it’s perfectly ok to be me. I’ve come to accept that I will never be perfect. I’ve learned that humans live their lives in search of perfection. Believe or not in whatever deity you choose but the truth is imperfection is intrinsic to our nature, it is the very law by which we live. It was said by a strange man but great lyricist that “The search for perfection is all very well, but to look for heaven is to live here in hell.” He wasn’t lying. So I’ll make my way.
I’ve come to accept that I will have bad days, I will backslide, and I will hate the way my ears stick out but love the things I can hear. I’m ok with those days knowing that I will not just allow the dissatisfaction to consume me. I will move in each moment striving for a perfection I will never attain but I will keep trying.
I had issues with family. Now I understand that family are just strangers that share blood. You get to know them through growth and experience. If you are good to each other, then love can be shared. If you are rotten, then they are no different from anyone else. I love my immediate family not just because they are genetically linked to me, although I admit watching myself echo my mother’s habits and my daughter mimic mine is amazing, but because we share a bond forged through life. Plenty of misunderstandings to be sure yet still filled with love. On a personal level, my father is no better than a stranger. I feel nothing regardless of the chromosome he gave me. That’s how I know that bloodlines do not necessitate love. Once upon a time I hated him for all the reasons a girl would hate an absentee parent. Now I feel nothing. It takes too much energy to hate. I now do my damnedest to channel that energy to clear up the clouds and use that force to love immediate relations, my sibling and most importantly my child. I’m making my way.
I had issues with friends. Now I know that friends are people and can be held to no higher standard than anyone else. Trust and loyalty are constructs of the mind. You can only judge your friends by who you know them to be and you should treat them accordingly. I am one hell of a mercurial person. As such, anyone that chooses to be my friend must know and accept that, but even more importantly expect no better from me than what I offer. Don’t hold someone to lofty expectations then be disappointed when they don’t live up to standards you placed on them. Let them be who they are and if you cannot abide by their being, don’t complain, simply let go. It’s as easy as that. My boy has become my boy in record time simply because he never promised, pretended or purported to be anyone other than who he is. I ranted and raved until I realized that he’s gonna be him, like it or leave it. When I truly realized that I dug him for him, I ranted and raved some more with absolutely no force behind it because I take him as he is. I’m making my way.
I had issues with lovers. Now I know that they are friends that you give a different part of yourself to. Because of this I accept that you can’t make anyone feel anything. So often we expect our feelings to be mirrored simply because we are self-motivated by nature. No one has to love you, love being an idea that changes with the wind. If I choose to love I do so now expecting nothing in return because quite honestly what I do, I do of my own volition and in reverse I can just as easily choose not to do anything. How can I obey my own tenets then turn and say “since I fuck him and make him a meal he must love me”? That’s utter rot and nonsense. I have sex because I choose to and anyone that has sex believing they do so to secure some false sense of relationship gives their body as a fool. What you do for someone in the name of love, however you choose to love, should be for your satisfaction in the doing. You want your calls returned, valid request, but if they aren’t then maybe, just maybe, you should want someone else. Don’t wallow in the idea of changing the person to suit your needs. That is a false sense of entitlement. You are owed nothing. Or maybe in the grand scheme of things you should wonder why a call is so important. This could go on for days but the bottom line for me is to love who I choose, as I choose and let go if I am not satisfied. And I love, deeply. I am making my way.
Don’t get me wrong, oh I throw tantrums to beat the devil. I have a horrendous attitude and an equally despicable love for profanity. I bitch and moan, laugh and cry. I have by no means become totally Zen. I’m abrasive and insulting and by more than a few accounts, the sweetest fucking person you’ll ever meet. I’m loyal to those that merit my steadfastness and have a queue of those who think I ain’t shit. When someone has something awful to say I tell them take a number, get on line. When someone has something good to say, I laugh and ask them if they are sure it’s me they are referring to. I am no saint nor am I a despot and it’s the same story that has been told on this earth innumerable times. By no means am I perfect but I’m satisfied. It’s all good as they say since I’m making my way.
Satisfaction has come from growing into my skin. Realizing that I am the sum. I am the whole. Those that can appreciate me are in for a hell of a ride and those that can’t are welcome to search elsewhere. I sleep alone and sure, it would be nice to hear a breath beside me, to roll over and touch someone who travels the same path. Life is a series of unending experiences and it would be nice to share these experiences with others since most of us weren’t born to be alone. Still, I’ve come to accept that without family, friends or lovers these experiences must still be had and can only be stopped by death. I’m making my way.
I’d like to thank my family for being as dysfunctional and wonderful as they are. My few peoples who no matter how fucked up I am and have been, still dig me for me. In particular my girl who has always said “Show me the angel and I’ll show you the liar with a good agent” and the man who has become my ace by never pretending that he was shit. I’d also like to thank all the love lost, found, and yet to be discovered for helping me make my way.
Now back to our usual bullshit.
2 comments:
Your entries continue to awe and inspire me.
Thank you for bringing forth your thoughts and feelings into the world!
They say perfection is a path not a destination...those who pursue do so eternally...I find that just knowing yourself takes a while...or rather being able to accept who you are...if you can accept that's a bonus.
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