I Swear It Only Happens To Me

I often wonder who I have offended in my former lives that have caused me to be the victim of random acts of stupidity.

I.

I was sitting on the train next to Orca (an oath on my life she was 350lbs easy) on the way to work the other morning. She had her walkman on and was tapping her polish sausages to the beat. We had made no eye contact or exchanged any pleasantries. As usual, I had a book (White Boy Shuffle by Paul Beatty - read it or die) in hand and was ignoring the world at large.

The train was pulling into 149th St and I started to pack up since the next stop would be mine. The behemoth thundered her way over to the car doors as the iron horse pulled into the stop. She looked back at me, opened her massive maw and said:

"You make me sick."

Although she was looking directly at me, I was still rather confused, so I looked around. This leviathan couldn't possibly be referring to me but since there was no one else in my near vicinity who else could she be addressing? All I could think to myself was ah shit, I gotta start remembering who I insult as I walk through this life. Somebody's gonna smack me and I ain't even gonna remember why. To say that I was at a loss for words is an understatement of epic proportions. I always have at least one gem tucked firmly in my cheek but as I passed my tongue past my teeth and over my gums, sadly there was nothing there. Not even a hearty "Fuck you, you big bitch."

The other riders were just as stunned as I. The only voice heard was the mechanical lady telling you to get off the train with all of your shit. As if this was not enough, when the door opened and she lumbered forth, she turned her teeny head on her non-existant neck and left me with a parting shot:

"You skinny bitch."

Nobody even laughed. We sat there like addle-pated fools.

Damn. WTF!!!!

II.

I was standing at the bus stop on my way to work (recurring theme in my life, maybe if I stopped going to work the stupid shit would stop), minding my own business coffee in one hand and the daily rag in the other. I was approached by a nonentity who's pants threatened to abdicate his behind for want of a belt. His rag-tag collection of bones jutted in various directions poking through his vast garments, as he put one slew foot in front of the other. I hoped from the bottom of my dark, grimy little heart that he would continue past where I stood since I had no desire to verbally skewer anyone this early in the morning, my necessary caffine level yet unmet. Unfortunately I was his target. Such is my life.

Stopping in front of me, he opened his mouth exposing his jumbled assortment of teeth and said

"Good morning beautiful. I can tell by the way you are standing that you are out of my league."

Shit, I can't get through a morning without hurting someone's ego. Mentally I shook a fist at the heavens that seem to take great pleasure in my daily discomfiture. However it was early and I had no desire to ruin my day. I decided to be nice and avoid the need for penance by doing my good deed for the week.

"Thaks for the compliment but if you already knew I was out of your league, why did you walk your ass over here?"

His mouth moved soundlessly mimicing a guppy or some other tetra unfortunate enough to find itself sans water. This gape and close was repeated as my bus pulled in and I boarded it. As the commuter vehicle pulled away, our poor friend still stood at the curb swallowing air and searching for an answer.