Dudes Fricken Amaze Me

So I'm on the train heading to The Bronx and this greasy ass guy is next to me holding on to the same pole. I'm in the middle of reading Miles' autobiography and I'm not really paying attention to what's going on around me since Miles is a damn funny motherfucker. Besides, homeboy is short and short men no longer register in my awareness. Now I know that's fucked up because I am a l'il bitty thang, but anything under 6' just isn't shakin' my tree. Anyway back to the crisco-skinned dude. So like I said, I'm standing there reading, minding my own business (and if you knew me you'd know that's a trial in and of itself) when out of the corner of my eye I notice dude has this furtive kind of tick

Dammit, I'm trying to write this and this bitch at my job is yammering on incessantly about some shit I really could give a rats ass about. Why can't people realize when they are being annoying? Sheesh.

So like I was saying. Dude has this sneaky kind of hand thing going on and he keeps shifting closer and closer to me. I start peeking out of the corner of my eye because certain types of movement make me more nervous than a young boy in a monastary. I'm watching this midget motherfucker and you know what he's doing? He keeps brushing his hand past his dick and giving the little dingaling a little squeeze. Now I'm madder than a shithouse rat. I look this asshole straight in the eye (and I ain't but 5'1") and ask this motherfucker if he's serious. This guy wouldn't know English if it walked up and punched him in the throat. Idiot ass looks at me and squeeks out "Si, mami, si," with a grin on his pimple infested face. "Oh, it's like that huh?" I think to myself and I just smile. Not only am I short but I'm a wee little filly, and as much as I would have liked to subtract a few teeth from his gap-toothed grin, me hitting him just wouldn't have had the right effect so I did the next best thing. When we were getting off the train, I swung my heavy ass bag as hard as I could and hit him smack dab in the groin. He was attempting to get off the train behind me but I hit the little twit so hard the doors shut with him bent over still groping himself, although now involuntarily.

Think that's bad? I actually looked like a semi-professional this morning since I had an interview for a jobby job that would take me out of the cesspool that drains the very life from my adorably conceit ridden body. This white cop was driving by and dude stops his patrol car, parks it, and comes running up behind me. He proceeds to follow me for about half a blook attempting to intitate conversation while I ice grill his ass. See, I'm rather shiesty (yes I am fully aware that shiesty is not a word, to hell with mirriam-webster, I'm using it anyway), black, cute, opinionated and I don't know when to keep my big ass mouth shut. Needless to say I get into more shit than I stay out of so like the natural born belligerent woman that I am, I don't like whitey (actually I'm an equal opportunity bigot, I hate everybody). Now lets take that a step further to say I absolutely ABHOR cops. Having a pork-smelling saltine follow me around is far from a compliment. The look on my face could have melted rock. So I get to the corner and turn to him with that kind of you-do-of-course-realize-you're-an-ass blank blinking look on my face and stare at him until he gets the message; even if I lost my everloving mind and decided cops were even partially fuckable, there was no way I was letting a pigment deficeint motherfucker dally in the fun box. He snorts in disgust and tells me "you have a good day ma'am," which was really a healthy fuck you in disguise, to which I respond "no hable ingles," then bust the fuck out laughing.

All I'm saying is:

What the fuck is wrong with dudes?

*The only thing spanish about me is the rice I had for lunch yesterday....